SECOND JOURNEY

A MESSAGE TO MY FELLOW BLOGGERS

2011-08-28T13:01:00.001-04:00

"The important thing is to do something, even if it's as simple as making a pile of peebles. For it is always the doing that leads to becoming..." Joan Erikson

It has almost been a year since I last wrote anything in this blog. And as I sit here in the quiet of my room I can't help but ask my self why...

I can only tell you, those of my readers that are still wondering where I may have gone to, that I hit an all time low point in my life. I don't know what more to say about it without becoming too personal. I think we've all been there once or twice in our lives and so I trust you understand.

I've looked around your blogs and am very happy to see that you all are doing so well and are very much on your way or have reached your goal and are successful in what you set out to do. It gives me encouragement to see you all again. And I realized how much I have truly missed everyone.

I won't make this too long, as I have a tendancy to babble. However, I want you all to know that I have created a new blog http://www.debradutcher.blogspot.com/ in which I would love for you all to come and visit and follow. The truth is, I need you.

In the last year (since September 2010) I have gained ALL my weight back (60 pounds) plus 7 more. I had totally hit a low spot as I said before and I didn't care at all about myself. I was consumed with the issues I was facing at home and I fell off to the wayside.... letting everything go including my journey to a new found health. I am saying I'm sorry to you, my readers who held such high hopes for me or even looked up to me. I failed. I am also saying I'm sorry to myself. I let her down.

Just recently, I have decided I am not done yet. I have decided I am going to finish this! Yes, I fell off the path on the journey I was taking...I let myself go...and I had very little hope. Someone once told me that I only need a small amount of hope to pick myself back up...I have found that hope...it is small ...but it is there.

If you visit my new blog you will see that I have struggled there as well. But I am making a commitment to myself this time that I will not break. I won't break it because I know I have to come first before any other thing in my life. I hadn't quite let that go on my last journey. So in my new blog you will see that I am indeed struggling but I will write there again soon. I will find my way and make it stay.

Please visit....please tell me you'll follow and support me...I need those of you that have been in this place before. I need those of you who truly want to support me. I need all the support I can manage to muster up.This is how desperate I am to win over this battle. So I humbly ask....

If you choose not to follow, I will understand and be blessed to have known you.
Thank you all for reading this.
I hope to see you over at my new blog.

Debi

A WAY OF A CONFESSION

2010-10-14T21:35:00.005-04:00

Hi......

I'm writing this post as a way of a confession.
It's probably one of the hardest things I have had to do within my world of blogging, even with myself for that matter, but I sincerely feel it needs to be done. It needs to be done because I feel like I need to bring it out in the open. And above all else, I need to be honest with myself.

I started this blog not really knowing the direction it was going to take me. As I kept thinking about it I knew blogging about my weightloss journey was going to be a huge part of what I present here. And because I have such a passion for getting healthy and fighting this battle of obesity and helping others do the same, I just can't sit idle and let this slide by. I just can't try to work it out on my own pretending everything is ok. (Something I so often try to do in time of crisis and fail miserably at.) I need for it to be out in the open, for all of you to see. For me to see, even. Hiding and pretending can be no part of me any longer. It can have no place within this journey.

Recently within the past several months (since July actually) I have been having a hard time losing weight. I'd be up and down on the scale like a yo-yo. I'd drop 4 pounds and then gain 2 back. It was a constant occurance. I became discouraged and even felt like I was losing some control. I hate losing control by the way. It's like a free fall off the top of very tall building and it wasn't my idea to jump...someone pushed me! Yea, that type of feeling. Although I didn't give up during those times I feel a huge pull right now to just say, "whats the use." Thats heavy stuff right there. I've been here before and I don't like it. I'm even afraid of it. The most severe right now is that I have back-slidden off my plan completely in the last 4 to 5 weeks. I've been struggling with some deep emotional things that have happened in my life in the last 5 months and although I thought I had a handle on the bumps and bruises at first...I am telling you now in a full fledged confession...that I do not. Although this should be no excuse...it is.
I am not in any control it seems. And what ever strength, ferver and passion I had found at first on this journey just seems to elude me now. I have searched for it to come back. I have read books, magazines, watched television shows on weightloss/health and even tried to give myself pep talks as a means to try and gain some inspiration back into my life but... to no avail.

I have gained 10 pounds in the last 4 weeks. A confession to you and to myself that I am so ashamed of. How does one work so hard at accomplishing a dream and then lose control or possession of it in one swift kick to the ground?

I just don't know.

I swore this time around I wouldn't let this beat me..but it's kicking my ass right now...it really is.
(I apologize for my bluntness, but this is a serious reality).

I came here to my blog tonight with no intent on writing... but to read some posts. Staying away was a good source of avoidance for me. I mean, c'mon, afterall...what they (you and me) don't know won't hurt, right? WRONG! And the stupid, knee-slapper is... I know it hurts! I knew exactly what the avoidance was doing to me especially.

And so the first post I logged into was Debbie's post called "60th Weigh In~ I've Had The Power All Along".....Can I just say that I needed her post today? I needed to read it..to see it...to see that there are others out there that struggle and come face to face with that tall, thick powerful wall that stops us dead in our tracks with that damned skull and cross bone sign that reads WARNING!! TURN BACK!!! (In which sadly... many of us do).

But today... I needed to see/hear/read/believe... that I can overcome this.... It can be done...I can climb that wall and hop on over to the other side of it carrying all the passion, ferver, control and strength that I started out with. I needed to know within myself that I only lose control or possession if I LET myself lose them. So, Thank you Debbie. Thank you for your courage to share your struggle so that someone else may be saved. You truly are a warrior at heart and a soul sister in this walk.

Now I sit here thinking about what my last words of the night will be to you and all I have is this... I am fighting this fight to the end. I will not give up. I am in it for the long haul and I will finish this.
I make this a promise to myself.

Until next time....♥

PHOTOGRAPHY ~ ANOTHER PASSION

2010-10-11T18:22:00.000-04:00

I went on a nature walk the other day. Photography is another one of this ole' girls passions. It's so relaxing and I get to show others what I see through my lense. I'd like to share a few for your viewing pleasure.
Enjoy!

"THE EYE SEES THE OPEN HEAVEN, THE HEART IS INTOXICATED WITH BLISS."

~SHILLER

Until next time...♥

TAKE A LOOK SEE AT WHAT I CAN DO AGAIN

2010-09-13T17:53:00.001-04:00

On a brighter note today....

TAKE A LOOK SEE.....

I CAN CROSS MY LEGS AGAIN!!!!!

It's a wonderful thing to have the ability to do something again that your excess weight has prevented you to do. I have lost almost 60 pounds and I am elated to be able to sit down and cross my legs like a lady again AND have it not hurt to do so OR... to actually do it without squeezing my thighs together so tight to keep them crossed. It is liberating! It is feminine! It is lady like! It is empowering! I love it!

Let me know what you have found you've been able to do after losing weight. I'd love to know!

♥

THE WAY OUT....IS THROUGH

2010-09-11T08:02:00.003-04:00

Robert frost said, "The way out....is through."

There have been so many changes in my life since February. I look at them right now in disbelief. When I decided to take this journey I never imagined facing fears or walls or even insecurities. I never thought that I would discover, or even have to face, hidden pain from so many years ago. Or that I would have to deal with the pain that has come to me so recent. I suppose I just thought that this journey would give me some valuable insight into how I can obtain a better body, a new outlook on life or even how to 'fix' the broken places of myself that had caused me to be at the crossroads for so long. I suppose I thought this journey would be a happy time for me. Afterall, I'd get to discover hidden treasures about myself, right? Hmmm, not so fast...

As I take each step on this journey I am discovering things about myself that I either didn't realize was there or I did realize them but ignored them altogether. For godsake, if anyone knows that it's never an easy thing to face pain in our lives, it's me. And I am the one person who can truthfully say that even if I'm standing face to face with it, I'd find any way possible to avoid it..shove it somewhere else inside myself...put duck tape around it's mouth, tie it's hands and feet with the thickest cord available and lock the door behind me forgetting the pain even existed in the first place. Out of sight, out of mind I'd say!

Afterall pain HURTS!

Yet, the more I venture into the unknown (and sometimes into the 'known') I am discovering that by facing my pain head on I allow my healing to come as it should. Nothing forced or fake but only true complete healing from the inside out. I am discovering that facing my pain is the only option I have. Hiding it away or pushing it aside only puts myself in a place of confinement and falsehood. I don't want that for myself. I didn't pick myself up from the despair of those damn crossroads to only find myself back there again. When I made the decision to get up, I knew in my heart I had something. There was a determination set inside me that I don't think I have ever had. Something changed inside me. Somehow with all the grappling with the darkness I've done over the years , I saw a flicker of light deep within myself. I felt hope where I really thought there was none.

I do have to admit though from my experiences so far that most of the time I fall hard to the ground, being tripped up by everything and anything in my way. And in those times I feel stuck and I don't know where to go next. Some days swallow me up like quicksand. Other days, I feel like I am doing ok as long as I move toward something.

A good quote by a favorite author of mine, Joan Anderson reads, "I can't become, unless I do".

I stamp that on the inner most part of my mind..to remind me when the times get tough...to keep going. Stopping or stalling can not be an option for me. Isn't it true that as long as water move it can't become stagnant? Well, so too it is with myself on this journey.

When I didn't move, I ended up making the crossroads my home. It was safe there...it seemed. It's daunting to know I've wasted many years by not making any move of my own toward my own happiness. Or even toward my own wholeness. I always wanted to live my life to its fullest and feel the penetrating happiness that seemed to just ooze out of others but I never seemed to get unstuck enough to do so. I never believed in a better outcome for me. When I finally took notice that my life was missing something vital, I became overwhelmed and just didn't know what to do to recover. It was extremely depressing to me to discover that I let fear blanket me in some sort of fake misleading security. Yet, I seemed to have no clue how to get out of the mess I had made of my own life. Every stategy I mustered up to get out seemed too difficult. And it was just as difficult to make a decision, any decision, regarding my condition. I was afraid that if I moved, I'd fail.

When your in your late 40's and you realize you don't know who you are, its' mind numbing. When you look in the mirror and see what you've let your complacency do to you, deep dispair sinks in and you begin to believe that life as you dreamed it to be is over for you. This is what I believed for so long. And the lies got stronger and more believable as I began to let them lingre inside of me.

I still struggle on this journey with the lies that try to trip me up. Lies that tell me I am doing all this for nothing. That I won't reach my goal of weight loss or that someone will always beat me at my own efforts. They tell me my dreams are in vain. Or that I have too much vanity to think that I should do anything good for myself. But honestly, I can't be anything to anyone else unless I become those things to myself first. How can I really take care of others or be an example to others or even begin to help others if I can't stand strong in knowing who I am meant to be as a person. I think we are all given a destiny. And I believe it is up to each of us to know what it is and to follow it through. It's up to each of us to look hard for the tools and the road map to get there. Because they aren't easy to find at first. Mine were covered with the lies I let myself believe of myself and the life I was meant to lead. Those lies covered the voice inside me that contstantly pulled at my heart and said..."This is not your home...this is not who your meant to be Debra! Get up!..Move!....Just move toward something...you will find your way".

And honest to God, there are no tools at first, no maps to guide you. All you have is your feet to propel you into motion and your determination to make it through, however small that determination may be. But as you move along the pathways that your heart is guiding you to, you will find with each step there is hope building inside you. My first step showed me that I had determination. And as I took those next steps, within each step I found self worth, the sense of accomplishment, beauty within myself, and courage. And so when the rough parts of my journey has hit me, I found the tools and the map to get me through them.

It's a long and winding road for sure. But it's a road worth taking... I will never believe otherwise. There has been an assurance set inside me that has no regret in stepping away from those crossroads that day. I have set inside of me a strong determination now to make it through, to find that light at the end of the tunnel, to find the silver lining in that cloud. I refuse to look back. I don't care how hard it gets. Yes, it hurts. Yes, there is pain. My God, so much pain! But I must face it...I must fight through it. There is no other way out of it!

And so I go on....

MY 50 POUND GOAL DRESS

2010-07-23T22:09:00.000-04:00

Well Guys.... Here I am....knowing a huge time span seperates us ...AGAIN...
AND it's late in the night as I write...not a good thing either.
I'm never going to get anywhere in the writing world if I do not make time for it.
I'm a little frustrated because it just seems like lately every waking moment is spent doing anything and everything but write. I keep thinking perhaps I need to set a priority in place with writing like I did my weightloss. Writing is such a passion for me, yet I'm beginning to think maybe I am a little bit afraid of it. I'm a perfectionist at heart...a trait I really would rather just do without. But there it sits staring at me like crazy woman reminding me that if I start to do anything, it just won't be any good because I can NOT just write without analyzing it over and over and over.

One of these days, I WILL believe in myself....totally...in every area....

In the meantime...my faithful followers...please bear with me.....

I did want to share one quick thing....My 50 pound goal dress!

I went to my nephews wedding this last Saturday and got myself all gussied up for it. I'm so excited because in a past post I talked about my goal of wanting to lose at least 50 pounds by that wedding. Well to my own surprise I lost 52 pounds by that wedding! I exceeded my goal. I'm so proud of myself.

The dress I wore that day was a dress I had bought while only having 25 pounds off. I bought it because I wanted a GOAL dress. Before I started losing weight, I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a dress like this...and I knew it, but I needed to purchase an incentive dress.

Here it is.....

Weight ~ 240 ~ July 17th, 2010

I just can't believe it....When I started out on this journey 5 months ago, I started out with just enought hope to get me up from the crossroads I called my home for so long. Now, I have a hope that tells me I can do anything I set my mind to. I have so much more to learn on this journey....so many new things to discover about myself ....and honestly....I cannot wait....

Until next time....♥

ANOTHER 25 POUNDS BITES THE DUST!

2010-07-07T21:35:00.002-04:00

Hi Everybody!

It's been a crazy couple of weeks. I know I said I was going to be here more but life just seems to suck my time away. However, I have some news that comes a bit bittersweet. I had decided a few months ago that I wasn't going to babysit my grandchildren any longer. So my last day is tomorrow. After tomorrow I am a free woman (so to speak) to move on ahead on this journey to discover ME!! Although I will miss my little ones, I am happy to be done. I am happy to be starting a new chapter in my life.

You will all hear more as the days go by. I will be concentrating more on my blog and ya'll will get to hear of all my new adventures I discover. But for now I want to leave you with a quote that I deem fitting for my journey and what lies ahead....and of course a new progress photo of me. I collaged them together so you can see my starting point to where I am right now.

Let me know what ya'll think....I'm excited to see a huge difference...can't wait to see the next 25 pounds off!

Until next time.....♥
Enjoy!

"I have been impressed with the urgency of doing.

Knowing is not enough,

We must apply.

Being willing is not enough,

We must do."

~Leonardo Da Vinci

July 2009 (295) April 2010 (267) July 2010 (242)

I'M STILL HERE AND ALIVE ~ NOW DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?

2010-06-15T15:03:00.003-04:00

Hello Everyone!

I am here...

And so much apologize for skipping out on you a bit. It really was not my intent to do so. But I am extremely pleased and feel warmth in my heart that there are those of you who care enough about me to say "Hey, where you at girl?" So...thank you so much. You all know who you are!

Looks like it's been a whole month since I last did a blog entry. Wow, how time flies. I really never believed in my mind I was gone that long. But I suppose when you are hit with some hard knocks along the way, or the terrain is rough and rocky, time is of no consequence.

I am happy to say that I am here and alive.

I was surprised to see blogger has made some interesting changes too while I was away. And of course...you know me...I gotta try these changes out for myself. I just wouldn't be me if I didn't get my hands in to the fun. So I have yet again changed my blog. I must say, this one does suit me and my personality a tad bit better. I will still putter with it from time to time but EVENTUALLY I will get what it is I am searching for in the layout of my page. This is kinda like my journey...I certainly can parallel it. I keep getting my hands in the mix of change and before I know it I will come out perfect.

It seems like I have so much to say. So many things have gone on. But I do not want to rush it all into one post. For now, know that I am here and doing good and I will be back more often than not. One reason being that I love coming here and spilling out my heart and mind to all you who will listen (read). And two, I love reading and joining in with your individual journeys as well.

I have a 5k to write about..along with posting some pictures. (only some, cuz I look like the Pillsbury Dough Girl in a few of the pictures)....seriously..i do! I would post them for you so ya'll could get a good laugh and perhaps one of you would get the bright idea to send the photo into Pillsbury (I'm thinking that might be you Valance).. ;) However, I will spare you the trouble and me the humility. (haha) And, NO! you can't talk me into it!

I have some other photos of myself too I'd like to share in some soon to be posts.

Forrest Gump once said, "Life is like a box of chocolates, ya never know what your gonna get." Well, ain't that the truth! This journey... is a journey to save my life...and so far everything that has happened to me, the good and the bad...I just never have expected. I suppose if it weren't for the negative forces in life that creep up on us, we wouldn't learn much would we? We certainly wouldn't know our own strengths and weaknesses. We surely wouldn't build much character in ourselves would we?

Embracing life is Key. Embracing...taking hold of the hand we are dealt in this life...with as much tenacity as we can muster up... setting our heart, mind and soul toward working through it, will certainly give us gifts along the way that are more priceless than we could ever imagine.

I have entered my 3rd video for all of you to view. I hope you enjoy!

OOOO, and don't forget to take a good look at that there ole' weightloss ticker at the bottom of my postings. It's there...look for it...find it....and yell a 'YEEEHAWW' with me, won't you?? lol

Until next time...♥

THE RAMBLINGS OF A FRAIDY CAT WOMAN ON A JOURNEY OF A LIFETIME

2010-05-12T21:32:00.002-04:00

Hi Everyone!

Wow..I'm amazed...down another 3.8 pounds this week! How is this happening? Ok, I know how it's happening but I'm really feeling like Im in shock. My body is cooperating with me for once in my life! And I am loving it.

HOWEVER... tonite I was looking in the mirror, trying on clothes...(I am inbetween sizes) and I see a difference obviously, but I am struggling with perception. Although I see a difference, I still see the heavier Debi. And that freaks me out!

Am I freaked out because of fear?

Of course, what else?

I'm thinking I'm am fearing that I will fail. I see so many positives in me since I began this journey that after looking in the mirror I was faced with the very fact that I have such a very long way to go. And I'm beginning to question if I will make it.

Deep down I know I will make it...I do... I do because I felt a shift within myself when I started this journey. I suppose I'm just having "one of those days". I have steadily done this program for 12 weeks. And I have steadily been faithful to myself and this journey. I guess perhaps being in between sizes and seeing a difference yet still seeing the heavy Debi is overwhelming sometimes.

Now I'm wondering if that last statement even makes sense! It's late while I write this so I will just chalk it up to that...I've come to the resolve that I am a fraidy cat and just want to blink and be thin and healthy and writing a book about my journey already!

Until next time...♥

I'm keeping my eye on the prize....

VIDEO #2 AND 10% GOAL REACHED!

2010-05-04T14:16:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone,

Here is video #2. I can't believe that it has been a month since I did the last video. Hopefully as I progress in weightloss, so too will my video blogs. I'm excited about what this month is going to bring. I can't beleive it's May already. This summer is jam packed with lots of fun things I will be getting to do. The amazing part is that I don't feel dread when I think about doing them. I am actually looking forward to them and just taking the time to enjoy what is happening around me.

I can't believe it sometimes.... I am doing this...I am really working hard and with much effort to finally take care of myself. MYSELF has always been on the back burner or even buried out in the back yard somewhere. I am finally making room for me. And I don't want to look back ever again. Honestly, I think I need someone to pinch me. But how about waiting to pinch when I am at the finish line, because I know that by then I might need a pinch, a slap and a hug!

Enjoy!

Until Next Time....♥

ANOTHER 3 POUNDS GONE

2010-04-26T20:09:00.002-04:00

Hi All....

Another 3 pounds of fat has disappeared from this body of mine.
I am amazed at how easy this seems to be for me. I have struggled for so long.
I have fought so many battles and always seemed to be defeated.
I have a long way to go yet and I certainly do not want to get the cart ahead of the horse,
but I am thrilled and excited and expect to win this fight finally....forever!

I went to my aunt and uncles 50th wedding anniversary this past Sunday. It was wonderful to
be with family and friends. I was able to see one of my dear friends, Amy, who I grew up knowing.
And my cousin by marraige, Lynn, whom I also knew and hung out with as a teenager. I hadn't seen
her in years. It was so nice to reunite with them again.

This was taken April 24th, 2010

Amy, Me, Lynn

Ya, know I was thinking...just as I posted this picture.....I used to hate to have my picture taken.

I dreaded it...and I hated looking at myself.

Not anymore.

I have worked hard in the last two months to get myself to where I am.

I am amazed at how different I look. And I still have such a long way to go. I am even more amazed at how healthy I am feeling. This journey, yet still only at the beginning, is.....My Journey... one that I can and will live out for the rest of my life.

Until next time my friends....♥

PROGRESS PHOTOS - PROGRESS IS GOOD

2010-04-17T23:37:00.008-04:00

I can't believe how time is just flying by these days. I remember when I was a kid summer seemed to last forever. Now there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in one day. I've been very busy trying to keep up with my journey and fit in all of everyday life. Sometimes I feel like I'm running full speed ahead with no brakes! I'm waiting for the crash to eventually come because I'm running so fast.

Sometimes slowing down isn't an option.

Othertimes, slowing down is a must.

I finally did get a break this week. I did not work out on Thursday. The first day off in two weeks. It felt good, but I had that nagging voice that makes me feel like I'm not doing enough and if I don't continue at the same pace I will lose everything I've worked for so far.

Once I get going and the weight is starting to come off, I find that I don't want to stop. I don't want to because it really does feel good to exercise. It really does feel good to fill my body with foods that are healthy for the proper working of my body. It feels exceptionally good to actually wake in the morning and feel energized! And with all this I am amazed at how much energy I have that sustains me throughout my busy life.

I've become pretty good at listening to my body though. I am realistic enough to know that your body needs repair time. So I try to listen to my body and with that I pretty much know when I need a day off. Last Thursday was one of those days. It seems as though good things happen when I listen to my body.....

I lost another 3 pounds this week. I am amazed at my progress. Sometimes I just sit in disbelief. I was thinking today about how my doctor will react when he sees me next. He is the one that suggested I join a weightloss support group like Weight Watchers. I can not wait to walk in his office at my next annual, next January, and just hug him and say, "Look what you helped me accomplish!!" I can't wait to throw my arms around him in gratitude thanking him for being a part in this process. I hope he sees the tears in my eyes when that day comes. I hope he sees just how grateful I am for him being that one special person that took the time to talk to me about what he believes will be good for me.

He suggested I do WW two years ago....sadly, for many reasons, I did not listen, I wish I had listened then because I would most likely be at my goal by now. But, everything in its own time I say. I believe things happen for a reason when they are supposed to happen. I believe that things don't just happen upon you for no good reason. I believe in divine intervention. I believe that what is meant to happen will happen. I don't believe anything that touches my life is only coincidence. Especially when I open myself up and let things happen as they come. I make an effort to look for those little things that help stear me in the right direction. And it has never failed me....

I want to share with you a progress picture. I am excited about this photo because I can see a difference already. Not only in my photo but in my clothing, my energy level, my outlook on life and my self esteem.

I've decided I want to do a progress photo every 25 pounds lost. So here is my very first photo. (Notice I'm wearing the same clothing)

Me - July 2009- Weighed 295 Me - April 2010 - Weighing 267

Well, there ya have it. Can you see the difference? Be on the look out for more, I can't wait to see the changes as I continue on in this journey. I can't wait to see what just a few more months will make.

I told my sister tonight that the way I feel right now is soooo much better than any chocolate filled delight I used to devour just to feel good. Progress is good!

Until next time..... ♥

PRAISE FOR MY EFFORTS

2010-04-11T20:42:00.000-04:00

Hello Everyone...

Have ya'll noticed my ticker?? Another 3 pounds GONE!

I'm almost in the 60's. Can you believe it? I still can't.

Anyone who says losing weight isn't a hard long process is lying- FULL FLEDGED! It is seriously one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And I have such a long way to go it seems...but I am so excited because the effort is beginning to pay off. I am down a size in my clothing. People are starting to notice. I can feel the difference in my health and I think I look LOADS better! That in itself is amazing to me.

I am still running. I am now running 7 minutes within the 60 minutes on the treadmil. I am amazed by this. When I first start out running it's hard, but after the first minute or two the endorphines kick in and I'm on my way! And I really truly love the feeling it gives me.

My daughter said to me the other day, "MOM!!...(she said that in excitement)...wow, you really lost a lot of weight!" I half smile and half laugh at remembering that moment. The look on her face was priceless. It felt so good to hear my adult daughter praise my efforts.

I feel good, but I am tired. My issue is I don't rest enough. But I'm afraid to rest. I'm afraid if I rest, I won't lose. And I can't be having plataeus this soon. But then again, I don't want to be wearing myself out either.

BALANCE.

Yes, that is the key.

Now, to work the key..... (SIGH)

VERY FIRST BLOGGER VIDEO WITH A BOO BOO

2010-04-01T12:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I never know if I'm doing the right thing or not. But I've learned through my life experiences so far that it's always the right thing when you go with "the flow". Following your heart in the direction it is leading you, even if you don't have all the answers right up front, is the best thing to do in any crisis of doubt.

So, here I am as 'raw' as can be in my very first Blogger Video for all of my blogger readers/friends.

I think it's going to be interesting to see where my videos lead and it sorta makes my blog a little more fun (maybe).

I have no idea where I am going with this except to say that I feel like it's something I want to do. I really want to give some personality to my blog. I have this idea that being as real as I can be on this journey will help me discover the missing peices and will help move me along the way.

So....I do hope ya'll will put up with whatever comes. I do love to write. And I will continue to do so, but I also have this creative side to me that just blurts out these ideas in my mind. Most times these ideas sit in a darkened room inside myself and never come alive. This time, I just want that part of me to be seen.

Like I said, I have no idea where this will lead me, but I'm willing to sit out on a limb at this point and just see what happens.

I did find one BOO BOO....ugh! But, after a few 'takes' and mumbling a lot of "ugh this is nuts" or "omg, I can't do this", I just wung it and went with whatever came to mind in the instance I was recording.

So.....my BOO BOO is....

.....actually I should see if ya'll could catch it, but I'm thinking maybe you wouldn't so I'll just tell you.

I said I was running 60 minutes a day. OY!

At 273, running 60 minutes a day would put me in hyperventalation mode or in the morgue somewhere. The "old Debi" would have changed this video over and over and over til she got it just right. The need to be perfect and/or control a situation had always taken first stance in my life. However, after veiwing the video and noticing the mistake, I thought, "oh who cares! These are all 'real' people just like me", and ya know what?....I really and truly want you all to see me as ME. Not some made up, scripted counterfeit.

So with that said...

Oh, my correction.... yes!

My correction to my BOO BOO is that I am WALKING 60 minutes a day...(not running 60 minutes a day). I am running 5 minute intervals 2-3 times during that 60 minute walk.

So now with that said...I hope you enjoy my video....and please...excuse the hair...lol

FACING MY FEARS

2010-03-20T14:15:00.000-04:00

"Life is so much better when you face your fears".

I left this quote on my facebook page this morning. It's amazing to me how everyday I have a fear or two that tries to bombard me with it's presence. I have fought fears my whole life. It is only now as I am determined to set myself afoot and move away from those things that have held me down that I am realizing, I CAN have control over those fears that wish to taunt me and take over my life.
There is a whole person inside of me just waiting to be set free. Life and it's circumstances have tainted me in so many ways. It has kept me from my true self. Fear has kept the person I was meant to be at bay. Fear covers up my sight like a blinder, it alters my senses, it even takes hold of my thoughts throwing pure logic out the window.

It is a debilitating factor in my life and I am on a quest to rid it from ever taking ahold of me like it has in the past.

I love the feeling of being on a quest. It puts me in control as leader over my own life instead of being a follower. I get to choose when to move and in what direction. I get to plan and create my own pathway instead of following somebody elses path. It gives me power and control over my own life in the sense that I don't have to follow someone elses way of doing things. I don't have to live a carbon copied life, where I am left wishing I could have the same freedom someone else has found.

Freedom from fear really needs to be found by ourselves. You can't have others fight your battles. If you do, they are not YOUR battles. Each of us has the capability to win over our fears. We have the right and the strength to fight for our own souls. It is a gift given to us from the very beginning. Sometimes the circumstances in our lives can steal away our strength and we become weaker. But there is always that inner person crying out to be free. That person never lets us forget that there is an inner strength in all of us if we just search hard enough to find it.

I have to be the one to fight the demons that come and threaten my existence. I have to be the one to say yes or no to words that try to peirce my heart or overcome my thoughts. I have to be the one that slays the dragon once and for all. Otherwise, I end up giving MY power to someone else. I give my gift away.

But in saying that, I'm not ignoring the fact that it is very hard to do sometimes. For me it's a mind over matter thing. I have to think about the end result. I have to remember the ache and the want I have deep within my soul to be free. Sometimes I will rely on pep talks with friends...so that I can gather the strength from deep within. But never will I expect or ask them to fight the battle for me. It is a quest only for me.

Think about what would have happened to Frodo, in the Lord Of The Rings, had his friend Sam took on the responsibilties of Frodo. Frodo would have lost his gift. He would have lost that special part of who he was meant to be.

The one fear I am battling this week is the fear of dying.

When I go to run in my workouts, I am bombarded with thoughts about dying. I let fear take control of my thoughts and before I know it I am talking myself out of the long strenuous workout. Excuses roll in and I am left telling myself I did "good enough". While slowing down and preparing myself to end my workout early, I can feel the onslaught of weakness because I let my fear control my actions. I become weaker because I let fear make me believe that I am weak.

No more! It is my turn to fight!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

WEIGHTLOSS PROGRESS

The scale is continuing to move down. This is a good thing. It's a little slower than I had hoped but a loss is a loss, right? Ok, so that IS true but with that said, I am stepping it up this week to see if I can get a better result. Plus, I have learned that in order to lose, I need to move.

I am now walking/running 60 minutes a day as opposed to 30 minutes a day. ~~Sometimes~~.......no, most times I do it in one sweep so I can get it out of the way for the day. But it is ok to break it up if I need to. So on my busy days, I will get up in the morning and do my 30 minute workout as I have been doing and then do it all over again in the evening when I get home.

This should be interesting. But I am excited to see the results.Today is my second day at it.

I feel good, but never realized that by doing some running it actually can make your muscles hurt! But it's a feel good hurt, so it's all good. Plus I slept incredible last night...and I NEVER sleep good! So there ARE some benefits to exercise....who woulda thought!

Until next time....♥

GOOD NEWS

2010-03-13T15:31:00.001-05:00

Did I mention that I started running?

Yep, I did. Ever since I began this journey I started walking in the mornings before I go out the door to work. I get up at 5:30 ish..so that I can get my butt on the treadmil by 6 a.m. and walk for thirty minutes... pulling off a 1.25 miles walk. Not bad, but always wanted to do more. However, as much as I wanted to walk everyday, I have to admit I didn't. Things got in the way of the commitment....mostly my own mind.

BUT....

Since I started WW, I have been fully committed and I have not given myself one day off of exercise. And since WW, I decided I wanted to try to run. At first I could barely run 30 seconds. But in three weeks time, I have worked my way up to two 4 minute intervals. Which also enables me to pull off a 1.50 mile walk/run in 30 minutes.

It wasn't easy, but I did it. I made myself do it. I had lots of demons come to mind. Most of them where screaming at me saying, " WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME??? KILL ME??

Others would hound me over and over saying, "YOU CAN'T DO IT! YOUR TOO FAT! DO YOU WANT TO DIE?? YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING! YOU CAN'T RUN ANYMORE, YOUR TOO OLD!"

I guess my only response was... I guess I'll just die trying then!

As much as I may fear dying or fear something bad happening. I just can't stand still and do nothing any longer. Now I look at exercising as something of a necessity. If I try to talk myself out of it, something always reminds me of how good it is for me to do it.

As far as running, I needed to stretch myself and go past what I was already doing. I used to love running when I was younger. I had forgotten how good it makes you feel. It's good to listen to your instinct. When you do, good things result.

I got on the scale today. (Birthday suit and all) and dropped another pound. This is good news!

I am finally in the 70's!

It really is all worth the effort.

Until next time....♥

A LOT OF CATCHIN' UP TO DO

2010-03-09T13:40:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been thinking and I noticed I've got a lot of catching up to do.

I haven't talked much about my weight or my weightloss in quite awhile. And although I try not to make it the ONLY part of this blog, it seems I have just kinda neglected it altogether. I realize I need to let ya'll know what's happening in the weightloss and fitness department as well as any inner growth I may encounter. I have been so focused on the inside that I have forgotten to let you in on what's happening on the outside. And although the two go hand in hand, I want you as much apart of my weightloss journey as my self discovery.

Let's see if I can do this without confusing the heck out of you.

I weigh in at WW every Wednesday night. PLUS, I weigh in here at my home every Saturday morning.

Why do I do this?

Well, because when I weigh in at WW, it's at night (around 6 pm.) and I have already consumed food and beverages throughout the day, plus I am dressed.

When I weigh in at home, it's first thing in the morning before food and drink and before I enter the shower. Yep, I weigh in my birthday suit! That is the most natural way of doing it don't ya think?

Hey, c'mon now...don't razz me... that IS how we entered this world is it not?? When the nurses weighed you in after you came into this world, did they put clothes on you? Of course not. Soooooo, that's why I get my "true" weight on Saturday mornings sportin' only what God gave me... well, that and a little extra that I saw fit to throw onto myself through the years with stress and bad eating habits, but lets not go there today.

This morning, which is Tuesday, I decided to step on the scale....just to see. And to my surprise I have lost another 4 pounds! I am down to 280.4!

It seems like it has taken me forever to get here. A few more ounces and I will be in the 70's. That seemed so far away several months ago as I struggle and struggled and struggled to get the scale to move in one direction. And, as some of you may know, that was a very hard time for me. Since joining WW I have consistently lost.

Here are my stats! I will try to make it as simple as possible but I do want you to see both weigh-ins consistently.

I started WW on February 17th.

Wednesday Nite WW Weigh-ins Saturday Morning Home Weigh-ins

February 17th ~ 294.8 February 20th ~ 286.8

February 24th ~ 289.0 February 27th ~ 284.2

March 3rd ~ 284.4 March 6th ~ 282.4

And then of course today, I cheated a bit to take a peek and weighed in at 280.4

Exciting huh? For me it is because it just seems as though for the first time I am being taught good eating habits instead of deprivation. And I'm being taught how to get through the stress without turning to food.

This is so true of my bad habits because I love to munch. Munch when I'm happy. Munch when I'm sad. I reach for the nearest thing that will calm whatever it is that I am feeling. Good emotion or bad emotion, it doesn't matter, food has to be apart of what I am feeling. Emotional eating is such an addiction! But my comfort comes in the form of sweets. It's easy for me to control food and how much of it I eat. That seriously has never been a huge problem with me. My ultimate downfall is sweets! Afterall, they are comforting. Chocolate gives you some sort of chemical boost, as does sugar...a high that doesn't last long but it serves it's purpose for the time being. Until another stress arises and your off to go hunting for your nearest stash of oreo cookies, or candy bars, OR you head straight to the kitchen to find something good to bake. Who cares if dinner needs to be cooked..or diapers need to be changed... the priority of that moment is COOKIES, or CAKES....something, ANYTHING SWEET!

But as funny as that may seem, it is just as serious. And what I am finding is that this journey I am on is as much about my physical health and well being as it is my psychological health and well being.

This journey of true health and fitness along with self discovery are all linked together. Everything I am doing, from joining the support group for weightloss to seeing a therapist for my inner health is part of this journey I am on. There never really is one solitary approach is there? I'm finding that in order to heal, there must be many tools for me along the way. But, not only tangible tools. I really have to have some self awareness, some motivation, some will, some want. I really have to become desperate enough to change...to make what I have set out to do a priority. I need to get up every morning and believe again. I have to go to bed every night with the hope that tomorrow will bring a new refreshed day with lots of vision. I have to believe there is a horizon for me. I have to keep all my senses alive and keen to what is going on around me. All these things help me move forward on this journey. Without them, I am really just still sitting at the crossroads. Everything that is going on in my life as I walk this journey, all help move me to the next space along the path.

Let me leave you with this quote from a women I value in high esteem...

"Besides, haven't you learned by now that no one ever pushes you toward freedom. You need to take that for yourself."

~ Joan Erikson

A Walk On the Beach by Joan Anderson

Until next time...♥

I WANT...I AM...I WILL....

2010-03-05T12:18:00.007-05:00

"Can we let go of our well-worn paths and follow the ones less traveled?...

Discovering destiny is far from passive."

~ Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and Ken McElrath

I was scanning my bookshelf this morning for some good reading when I came across this book my son gave me for my birthday several years ago.

I never read it when he first gave it to me. I apparently didn’t think I needed to, or perhaps it just wasn’t the right timing in my life to read it right then. In either case, this is just another proven example to me that there is a predetermined realm out there. I’d like to think there IS a God in the universe gently guiding the lives of us here on earth. Although many of my personal experiences with the Christian faith have been painful, somewhere deep inside myself I still hang on the hope that there is a greater power other than myself that mysteriously and even preciously cares enough to lead my soul into the direction it should be taking in this life.

I think every human being searches for a purpose in life. It's a deep inner ache that realizes something is missing..it propels us to get out of the mundane and actually feel as though we should be living the life we are meant to be living before we die.

Honestly, there has to be a bigger reason to this life than just being born and dying. There has to be something more for the “in between” than just working and watching television, or raising kids and paying bills.

I’ve only but read the first chapter in this book but I am inspired to keep reading. And when I read my sons inscription on the inside cover, it brought tears to my eyes.

I love it when my soul is touched. Don’t you? Whether it be from a book inscription, or someone‘s own life story. Somehow, it’s those times that seem to inspire us more than any other. It reminds us of the little flicker of hope hidden deep inside each of us. It pulls us out of the normalcy of our day to day trudging and wakes up that sleeping part that says “life is worth so much more.” More than the everyday humdrum rituals we so often grow up believing in and are taught to live out for the sake of responsibility.

Don’t you ever just want to be reckless? Don’t you ever just feel like you want to run with the wolves, or swim the ocean naked and feel at peace with all that is in it? Don’t you ever feel like climbing the tallest mountain and viewing the life below like you are some grand master over all that is beneath you, yet humbled by its beauty?

Don’t you wish you could do something extraordinary?

My heart and soul cries out in such intensity for this kind of passion for my own life. To be able to come full circle in this one life we are given would be a gift for me. To acquire and to live within the true state and purpose of my being in this world would seem like heaven to me.

I want to walk those quiet paths and breathe in the life set before me. I want to set aside all the hurried things of this world that takes me away from myself. I want to run wildly into the arms of abandon and let my soul lead my feet.

I am at a place of searching. I am on a quest to save my unsatisfied life. I am on a mission to rid myself of all the things that take me away from the not-knowing of who I am and who I am meant to be in this life.

Is it so wrong to be 46 years old and finally waking up to what my heart and soul has been trying to tell me my whole entire life? I don’t think so. I think it just takes recognition. That is the first step on this journey. To know that I am missing something vital and that I can’t go on living the ordinary life any longer.

For me, there is so much I am learning on this journey . So much I see in foresight, but just have to wait until it all unfolds onto me like the cool waters of the rushing sea.

I will let this journey happen. I will let my soul lead me to those places that will bring truth and wholeness in my life. I will let this journey take me on a great adventure to a place of peace and contentment.

I want, I am, I will…..

I WANT is the recognition that I need to do something different.

I AM is the sensibility to know that I need to embark on a great quest.

I WILL is the determination to walk the path less traveled to find a oneness with my soul.

Until next time…♥

END OF THE MONTH WRAP UP

2010-02-28T19:31:00.001-05:00

I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back.

- Abraham Lincoln

Well, I must say, it has been a long, crazy month! I have dealt with doctor visits and medical tests as well as taking my doctors long awaited advice to seek some personal counceling and too, to join a weightloss support group.

I knew when I began this journey I would face obstacles along the way and have to manuver twists and turns along my way that would inevitably keep me on my toes. I knew that I would have to fight some ghosts and actually delve deep into my own soul and not look back. I knew I would have to take on a fight for my life and such it seems so far.

BUT.... it has been good for me.

Through having to face some medical issues, I am learning that I don't have to be so afraid of the unknown. That there is a quiet strength inside my soul if I just take the time to search for it.

Through joining a support group for weightloss I am learning that it's ok to surround yourself with people who struggle with the same issues and that there is strength in numbers.

Through some personal counceling I am learning that just being able to spill everything out with no bias..nobody looking at you and judging ...can be so freeing.

I have always been one to believe that the concerns and struggles we face in this life will eventually be worked out if we just let go of them and let life happen as it will. When it's time for us to know what to do in a certain situation, it will come to us in due time. Sometimes we are meant to wait. Sometimes we are meant to take ourselves into the queitness of our souls and listen and wait for what it has to say...sometimes we have to let go of our own control and let our soul lead us.

Until next time....♥

IT'S OFFICIAL...I'VE JOINED

2010-02-17T20:36:00.007-05:00

Well, I just returned from my first Weight Watcher Meeting. I will say it's different. I'm not used to surrounding myself with people. But it was very informable and I did enjoy myself. Sooo....I joined.

I did the monthly pass which will include ETools. I love that! I'll talk more about it as I go along. I have lots of things to read and I actually have to set up my online etool account to get started. I have a long journey ahead but I am looking forward to it.

My nephew is getting married in July. I would LOVE to be at least 50 pounds lighter by then. So I have set myself a long term goal to drop those pounds by July 17th...the day of his wedding. I thought about buying myself a dress in a size 16 for incentive. Right now my dress size is 22/24. But I fear (like I always do) that it will be a waste of money. I always do that to myself...sorta like setting myself up for failure before I even get started.

I think a big part of losing weight and getting healthy is that you have to believe you can do it. I struggle with that on a daily basis. I don't want that struggle anymore. I really want to believe I can drop this weight. I have failed so many times...even in success I've failed because I allowed the weight to come back on.

FYI to Debi: This time I want to reach down in the deepest part of me and pull out the belief because I have to believe I'm worth the effort. Oh, AND... I gotta stop fearing everything...second guessing myself...so...I'm gonna start looking for that perfect dress/skirt/outfit for that summer day wedding and post it here so ya'll can see what I'll be striving to get myself into by July 17th.

Until next time....♥

WEIGHT WATCHERS....OH MY!

2010-02-10T21:20:00.003-05:00

What do I want to mention today...

Well, I do want to post that I lost another pound this past week. I weighed in this past Saturday and was surprised to see that I lost. It was supposed to be a week I either stayed the same or gained because that's what usually happens. Imagine my delight when the scale read one pound lighter!

I don't mean to be so lax in coming here and recording my journey but ....

This has been a tough week for me...again. I can't seem to escape the rough and rocky part of this journey. Never did I imagine starting out that I would hit such rough terrain so soon. I thought it would be easy at first. I didn't think the hard stuff would come until I walked on a little further, ya know.

I had two doctor appointments today...and although I can't go into too much detail at the moment..I will say I'm in for a little bit of a ride on the medical side for the next few months. It's very scarey and unpredictable. I don't know what to think and my mind is swimming with all kinds of thoughts, but I am trying to stay postive.

One thing I can mention right now is that my cardiologist has suggested that I start weight watchers. He feels the support would be good for me and I really can't argue that fact. Either way you look at it, I'm not getting any younger and age and obesity do not mix well. Infact, he let me know that I could be facing some serious repercussions if I don't get some weight off. We also talked about the Lap Band. (That's scarey for me)..I wish I were brave enough to have it done and just be done with this fat overweight exhausted body I live in. There is a thin, healthy girl in there screaming to get out! I am almost desperate enough to do anynthing to get her out.

However, thank God for my doctor who helps me plant my feet a little more securely on the ground..He told me that he would only suggest the lap band if all other avenues had been exhausted. Thats when he suggested a support group type weight loss program like Weight Watchers. I agreed to sign up this week. He told me to set a goal of 6 months and if within 6 months I do not lose a desired amount of weight, he then will talk with me extensively about the Lap Band procedure.

AHHH! That's my little scream as to get some relief from the pressures of today. Don't mind me, just be thankful ya'll can't really hear me scream. I cry quietly...I can scream pretty loudly...I've done my share of each...but I'm determined to keep my chin up and keep trudging on through this rough and rocky spot on my journey.

Until next time....♥

A DEBI DAY

2010-01-31T19:29:00.004-05:00

I'd like to welcome Loretta to my blog. Thank you Loretta for your kind words and for your interest in my journey. I look forward in getting to know you!

Today I didn't do a dang thing. I actually laid in bed for most of the day. I know, I can't even believe it myself. I must be crazy right? I woke at 5 a.m. but couldn't fall back to sleep so I just laid there thinking like I always do. Most of it randomness. It's like sorting out a cluttered closet and tossing out the garbage. I was doing a lot of tossing. You can't imagine the stuff I think about in the wee hours of the morning. It's incredible my mind work so fast first thing. NO WONDER I DON'T SLEEP WELL.

After awhile I just decided I was going to just rest. I got up grabbed my laptop, my two books I am currently reading, a pencil, my notebook, my cell phone, my remote control to the t.v., my reading glasses and my bottle of water. I was all set so I didnt' have to get out of bed unless I wanted to.

I don't usually make an effort to have what one of my friends call, "A Debi Day". But, I thought why the heck not? I have nothing pressing to do today and afterall it is Sunday, which is in essence "the day of rest", right? So I took it upon myself and just didn't do anything that I normally think I SHOULD do.

It sure did feel good.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to get more of these days in. Maybe not spending all day in bed..but just doing something out of the ordinary. Something I want to do for the day. Something that is for me and me alone.

I got on my Facebook page today and noticed that my son posted a picture of me and my grandson Aidan Christopher. He is 3 years old. This picture was taken on the day before Christmas Eve. We were making cookies. I want to share it because, well...it's just such a cute picture!

Me and Aidan Christopher, my 3 year old Grandson taken December 23, 2009.

See all the flour on him...luckily this picture doesn't show any on me yet.

The next picture I want to share are of all of them together.

Kaleb Ezra 6 yrs old, sissy, Ava Leigh 2 months old and Brother Aidan Christopher age 3.

Cute huh?

So, this was my day.... oh and If you noticed my ticker at the top of my page ~ I lost 1.2 pounds this week.

So I leave you with a big sigh of contentment....

It has been a good day.....

Until next time.....♥

HERE'S TO BEING MORE POSTIVE

2010-01-28T20:02:00.025-05:00

LEAN ON YOUR STRENGTHS

In order not to fail in the end, you have to be dependent on yourself and know that you can handle things. Most importantly, bring a little humor into despair. Lightness, imagination, flexibility-these are the things that go into making a new start.

~Joan Erikson

First, I'd like to take a minute to Welcome Debbie from Texas! I'm very happy that you visited my blog and even more pleased that you became a follower. Thank you for your kind comment. I look forward to supporting eachother...

Well, let's get down to business....

After reading a few of my most recent blog post I can't help but think of how negative ya'll must think I am. It is true... losing weight can be a long arduous struggle and for me it has been. But I've been thinking and honestly, I just want to be happy. I've been feeling like I have just been taking this all too seriously. Maybe to the point that its really hurting me in the long run. I started this blog knowing that I wanted to use it as a venue to my weightloss and self discovery journey. I sat at a crossroads for so long pretending that I was ok there and that I was safe. I had no worries where I was, I thought. But the reality of it is, I was not safe. I was complacent. I was lying to myself that I could stay there forever. I really didn't need to make important decisions for myself. I could lay low the rest of my life. I could learn to be happy there. In fact, I even told myself that this was just the way my life was meant to be. "Such is life", I always repeated to myself whenever my thoughts ventured out past the horizon and that inner part of me would surface. The part that always knew there was more for me than what I was experiencing. I was ignoring that inner ache I had daily. It was telling me that I wouldn't always be ok staying where I was. Somewhere deep down inside myself I knew I didn't belong there at the crossroads any longer. And so it was then that I chose to move.

And in my moving away from the crossroads, I never dreamed I would struggle as much as I have to find myself. I mean, I knew I'd have to work at it. I knew there would be obstacles to climb over, I guess I just didn't realize how hard it would be on me this time.

I've always been a believer of listening to what the heart is saying. Kinda ironic huh?...knowing that I was a "sitter of the crossroads" for so long. However, I haven't always listened to my heart speaking to me. I have ignored it many times only to find out I should have listened. Now, in this quest of self-discovery, I am taking great pains in listening to my heart and what it has to say.

The day I decided to get up and leave the crossroads I had called home for so many years, I knew it was my heart that lead me to that decision.

I want so badly to lose weight, but putting that aside for just a moment, I want more than anything else to just be healthy. And in being healthy comes being whole. Whole from the inside out. I know I am not a healthy woman at this weight. And that scares me. And so I think that is why I am taking this so serious. So serious that I am not leaving myself room for any set backs...no room for any failure....or any room for standing still.

Jillian Michaels from the biggest loser says that stress...any amount of stress can and will prevent you from losing weight. WONDERFUL! No wonder I am struggling!!!!!! I have to smile at my own surprise at this theory. A theory in which...Hellloooo...I DID know! Sometimes ya just have to hear it from someone else I guess.

And so with ALLLL this said... please know that I have come to the realization that if I need to be serious about anything, it should just be that I stay on this journey and that I keep walking it no matter what may come my way...keeping my eye on the prize is the most important. Not losing 100 pounds in 2 months! (ok, I over exaggerated, but you get my point).

I will make a conscious effort to not take too serious the obstacles along the way and have some fun...AND look at things, however negative they may seem, in a more postive light.

Thank you....Thank you.... and I really mean....THANK YOU to all of you who care about what I have to say and follow my blog. I've said it before and I really, really mean it ...otherwise I wouldnt say it..ya'll are really that little kick in the butt I need that keeps me motivated.

Until next time.....♥

LIKE A BEACON IN THE NIGHT

2010-01-22T15:10:00.005-05:00

I want to say I can't believe it's been 12 whole days since I've last posted but I can not. I am not surprised by it at all. I have been staying away on purpose. Not because I want to but because I had felt so hopeless and confused. I weighed in last Saturday morning and I gained two pounds of weight. It was like a slap in the face. I did everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I knew to do to continue the weight reduction. I don't know what happened. The fact that the scale and my body had betrayed me once more was just too much to take in. I immediately became angry, sad, confused and hopeless. It seems like I have been dieting my whole life. I just want the merry-go-round to stop. I'm literally dizzy over it!

No one will ever really know the frustration and despair one feels when they try to lose weight and struggle with it, unless they have gone through it themselves. I have been losing and gaining weight for as long as I can remember. I never worried until after I had my first child. I was always long and lean and never once worried about gaining weight because I never did gain weight. But since the birth of my first child, every part of my body seemed to work against me from then on. Through the years I have been on every diet plan in the country and even those out of country. And with some I have been very successful. However, with each one I never ever lost the total amount of fat I was supposed to lose to be at my normal weight. And with each one, the weight that I did lose, I never kept it off. I used to hear people say " it's easy to lose weight, it's keeping it off that's the hard part". I have experienced that part for sure. Oh yes, I have lost and been good at losing. But I always struggled at keeping it off.

I think with the struggle of being over weight and unhealthy comes a whole myraid of emotions that end up making us into individuals we never ever dreamed we would become. For me, I'm not only sad and frustrated, I am worried and feel hopeless. And with all those negative emotions come insecurity and sickness. This constant fight seems to suck everything that's good out of me. Before I know it I veiw myself like a failure and I begin to give up and come to the resolve that "this is just how it's supposed to be". Yet everything on the inside of me tells me it's not how it's supposed to be.

I had blood work done a few weeks ago and I got a call from the doctor that she wants to see me. I know she wants to tell me that I have high cholestorol. I haven't made that appointment. One reason being that I know she will want to put me on medication. I HATE MEDICATIONS! I'm not being a baby about it. I just know there are better ways to take care of that problem.

In all the times I have dieted, in the back of my mind I was always thinking, HOW HEALTHY IS THIS DIET REALLY? Like I noted before, it is easy to lose weight. BUT is everything that I am eating healthy for me? Somewhere deep inside myself I always knew that much of what I did to lose weight was not always the most healthy.

It has taken me a few weeks now to just sit back, relax and look deeper inside myself and ask hard questions. I know what I want to do and who I want to become. I see who I am supposed to be in this life...I see her in that dark place all locked up like a caged bird. The struggles of her life has imprisoned her. But, she is still beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. But she is tired and worn. She just wants to be free.

The other night I laid in my bed and let out a whisper inside myself, "What do I have to do to be healthy". My despair put that question out in the open ...and like a beacon in the night a book I have had on my bookshelf for 8 years came immediately to my mind. I knew then in that moment what I had to do....

Until next time.....♥

SHORT AND SWEET

2010-01-10T14:30:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately today I do not have a lot of time to write. But I do want to record my progress on my weight loss and I do want to thank all of you who take the time to come here and read my blog and comment. My blog world wouldn't be the same without you.

I weighed in yesterday like a good girl. I lost a total of 2.5 pounds. Hooray! I lost the pound and a half I gained through the holidays....whew!....and lost an additional pound on-top of that. Wishing I could be as enthusiastic as Good Ole' Richard Simmons used to be...but..hey..I'm happy to have lost... another step toward my goal..and another lesson learned on this journey.

Take notice of my ticker at the top of my blog. My lil butterfly is moving! I still have 8 oz. before I reach my ten pound goal and I just got to say, I will be one happy camper when my first 10 are behind me!

Until next time....♥

PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME IT WON'T ALWAYS BE LIKE THIS....

2010-01-07T21:21:00.001-05:00

Leaving In The Rain ~ by Steve Hanks (one of my favorite artist of realism)

Wow, life can really give ya a good back hand swat can't it!? Just when you set yourself up to begin a new journey, something has to go wrong or try to deter you from actually making any progress. Along with my weight loss goals and efforts, I am trying to discover myself as a person, woman, and human being. And to be honest, I think this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am finding that with one step I take toward the positive, I am slapped back two steps which leaves me feeling so defeated. This time it's not the weight loss part of my journey that has me knocked out for the count. It's life in general. There are some sayings, "when it rains, it pours". Or, "if something bad is gonna happen, it's gonna happen to me". Well, I can honestly say, when it rains, it pours in my world..and if someting is gonna happen to me, I could bet a million it's going to be something bad.

Wow, I could just have these statements stamped to my forehead and wear them as a perdiction or symbol of what's to come for my journey. Please someone tell me that this won't always be like this. It's so easy to get discouraged. The stress is insurmountable and has just sucked the life out of me. The things that are happening to me I know are supposed to be a learning experience. But I can't help but wonder how much a person can take at one time. I am trying very hard to veiw what is happening right now as a lesson to be learned. I am desperately trying to seek out that silver lining. I keep telling myself there has got to be some good in this.

I read somewhere that Strength comes from adversity... God, I only hope so....

Until next time....♥

OVERVIEW OF MY GOALS

2010-01-04T20:59:00.003-05:00

I know it's been awhile since I have talked about my weight loss goals. I have not forgotten them. I have been striving to make it work. What I have started, I do intend on finishing! I won't sugar coat the struggle I have encountered though, especially during the holidays. I have continued to weigh in every Saturday and the scale has proved to me that I need to really look a little bit deeper into what I am doing. About 3 weeks ago I weighed in at 283.4 pounds. That was an 8 1/2 pound loss in a three week period. I was riding on high for sure. I thought for sure I had the 1 1/2 pound by the neck for the following week. I wanted so badly to reach my goal of 10 pounds for the month. Surely I could manage, right? I mean I did pull off nearly a 4 pound loss the week before. But to my dismay. I didnt lose, I gained...6 oz. I know, I know... it's only 6 oz. but I kept thinking, I'm supposed to lose weight not gain it. Then to make a long story short, Christmas was the following week and then New Years. In that time period of 2 weeks, I gained 1 1/2 pounds.

I was very careful on Christmas. I continued to walk even though I felt like a failure because I gained 6 oz. Then between Christmas and New Years, I let myself slack alittle. Not so much in the eating area, although I wasn't as strick as I should have been. I just didn't exercise. I gave up the walking 30 minutes a day, just because I felt I was too busy and extremely tired. And I was both those things, but I should have kept it up. But ya know, I acutally had a conversation with myself rationalizing that I should just give myself some time off. Some time is ok. Just not a whole week and a half!

I have to laugh at how rediculous that sounds to me right now. I just started exercising, why would I give myself a whole week vacation from it?

It truly is a battle of every strength (or lack thereof) that I have in me to make this work. We really can be our own worst enemy if we let ourselves be. I have since set new goals for this month and I intend to work very hard at achieving them.

1. I will continue to keep my calories around 1800, for now. I will change that as my body needs it to change.

2. I will continue to keep walking at least 30 minutes a day, everyday. Except for maybe Sundays.

3. I will continue to keep taking my Vitamins, in which I really enjoy now that they have Gummies for adults. However, I do want to add taking my fish oil on a more regular basis. For the past month I have diligently been takin my One A Day Gummie, and my Vitamin D. The doc wants me to take 4000 milg of Fish Oil. That's 4 whole huge horse pills! This will be a challenge for me. But it's time to add them to my list of goals.

4. I will continue to strive to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day. This is not easy for me in the winter. I'd rather have something warm.

5. I am adding another goal to the set of four I started in the beginning of this. I decided I need to add some strength training. I think 2 days of strength training will be a good start for me.

And there we have it.

A blogger friend said to me just recently, "let this year be your year". I intend to! That is my hope and my dream. I'm so grateful to have all you readers here to help me reach it. I'm happy too that ya'll get to experience the outcome as the months pass on by.

Until next time....♥

A LITTLE SNIPPET OF MY MORNING THOUGHTS

2010-01-03T12:19:00.003-05:00

Well, how ya'll like my new face on blogger? (my page) I spend waaay too much time with layout on this thing. But, it is fun and it's part of discovering myself. The part that lets me figure out what I like and what fits me best. I've never really had much opportunity to do that in the past. Being a young mother at 18 years old and being thrown into the whirlwind of trying to be an adult while still working out the difference between child and young woman was, to say the least, life altering. I lost myself somewhere in between all the transition. I went through 3 stages of life very quickly, never getting the chance to figure out the difference between childhood and young womanhood. I hadn't even finished high school and here I was going to have a baby in 9 short months. Being a mother at 18 was very hard. Very scary...and it took every little know-how I had to just make it work. Thank God for family. My mother and father did what they could. But they were still raising 5 other children. So out on my own I went at age 18. I was afraid to stay alone in my little apartment. I had always grown up in a large family. Being the eldest of 6 kids, I never lacked in the 'all alone' department. There was always someone around to play with, to argue with, to sleep with, to eat with, to watch TV with, or to talk with. There were times however, especially as I was growing older, that I sqwinched my eyes together and wished real hard that my nagging brother or my whining sister would just disappear for a little while. Because I was the oldest, I fought my brothers and sisters back with a stick (not literally) just to get some peace and quiet. But for the most part, I was very fortunate to have a big family. So going out and living on my own at such a young age, was a cruel reality. And among the thorns of trying to make it on my own, I lost who I was, who I was going to be, and who I was supposed to be.

In hindsight I look back and think that maybe it was all a mysterious plan. Maybe not so much that I got pregnant at 18 but the paths I had taken since then. Somehow I feel like a good portion of my life had or has been guided by, what? God?...Fate?....Serendipity?... I'm still trying to figure that out. And I want to figure it out. I need to figure it out. Too many times in my life, I have always taken someone else’s word for how I should feel, or what I should experience, or what I know or even what I believe. This time, I have to do it on my own. It seems so strange to me that I am 46 years old and doing all this now. Some might say, better late than never. Ha! I suppose I could agree. I just sometimes wish I could have done it the 'right' way. Or at least what I had thought was the right way. Funny how life plays back on you and you begin to see that what you thought was such a pain staking life, may have just turned out to be good for you.
Until next time.... ♥

HOLIDAY AFTERTHOUGHT

2009-12-28T20:57:00.005-05:00

Can I get anymore exhausted ya think? It sure has been a busy holiday. I don't want to 'not' come here to write, yet I feel like I haven't much to say. For me, that's kinda sad. I love to write. I love to just open myself up and let my fingers type what my heart is saying. This time, I suppose I just feel like I have a brain fog. The hustle and bustle of the season has just taken a lot out of me this year it seems. Yet, it was a wonderful time spent with family and friends. I couldn't ask for a better time. Watching the children's excitement, the smell of pine, spending an afternoon with a dear friend, and delivering gifts and food to a 70 some-odd woman who spent her life taking care of and raising her grandchildren are just a few of the special moments to have experienced this year. The spirit of giving prevailed in my heart as never before and I cried inside my heart when that grateful woman hugged me, her eyes filled with tears and said..."Thank you, God has been so good to me". There is no better feeling than that of being a helping hand in God's plan for someones life. Exhausted as I am, I am very thankful for the gift I've been given in such a beautful holiday. I can only hope others got to experience something this holiday season that opened their eyes and heart to the spirit of Christmas.

For those of you who might be wondering about my weightloss goals. Give me a day, and I will cover my goals for the month. In all the busy, busy of my week, I have not forgotten my goals.

Until next time....♥

WEIGH IN AND THE CLIMB

2009-12-20T19:06:00.008-05:00

Hello Everyone!

I apologize again for not posting my weigh in yesterday. With the Holidays fast approaching, I am not able to get here as often as I'd like. I weighed in like a good girl and the scale says I gained 6 oz. Yep! Can't believe that one? Neither can I! I did all the right things. I walked everyday this week but one day. I was extremely careful of what I ate. I don't know what happened. Believe me, I've racked my brains about it. I went back through each day. I can honestly say I have no idea what happened. One friend said, "it's just 6 oz. Debi, not even a whole pound." Still...I'm trying to LOSE weight here, not gain it! I admit I am very frustrated. I lost almost 4 pounds last week..and this week I gain? Perhaps I was so happy to have lost the 4 pounds last week that I tried a little too hard this week. Maybe I didn't eat enough. I know that if we don't give our bodies the proper calorie intake it will think its starving and hold onto fat, going into survival mode "for our sake"...ha!...how pathetic, but sadly true. Irregardless of the reason my body decided to hold out on me, I have to choose to move on.

So, I pick myself up again this week and adopt the attitude of a spunky little lady I get a big kick out of because she makes me laugh... dddddrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (drum roll)

MAXINE

I'm not so sure I agree wholeheartedly with all her sentiments, however, her view on life's issues reminds me that life really isn't as hard as we sometimes make it out to be. I guess what I mean and what Maxine is so good at trying to get us to see, is that life is hard sometimes, but we have to look for the silver lining.

And as the lyrics Miley Cyrus sang in 'The Climb", "gotta keep trying, gotta keep my head held high". Life and all it offers isn't always easy, but making that climb, pushing on up and over that mountain is what it's all about.

These lyrics...this song, I dedicate to myself for this upcoming year of 2010. The first time I heard it I knew it was meant for me at this time in my life. It gives me hope and inspiration to make this climb and not give up. Listen to the lyrics... How can you not be inspired by them? The way I see it, they may say many things about Miley Cyrus, but I say, this girls got it right on this one!

Until next time....♥

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

2009-12-18T18:02:00.001-05:00

How very true this really is in each of our lives.

SOME CHANGES ~ BEAR WITH ME

2009-12-15T22:02:00.015-05:00

Hello Everyone!
As you can see, I am making some changes to my blog. Not quite settled with what blogger offers in templates and so I am trying new templates out to see what fits me best. Please bear with me.

Until next time....♥

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AND MY WEIGH IN

2009-12-13T09:07:00.012-05:00

Hello Everyone!I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to get here and record yesterdays weigh in. It was an extremely busy day for me. I took my grandson Kaleb (in whom we call KK) Christmas shopping. We spent all day roaming from store to store and we even got to see Santa! That was nice surprise. We bought gifts for mommy and daddy, and brother and sister. Kaleb got to pick out what he wanted to get them. He liked that. But not as much as all the little things he conned out of his Gramma! It's funny how a six year old knows that all the buying we were doing wasn't for him. He was very good at finding ways to get some things for himself. (haha).

Kaleb and Santa. I couldn't get the little stinker to take off his hat and coat. He thinks he's cool wearing them. I have to agree. Check out the side turn on his hat.

Our little tree, which is one of two we put up every year, KK helped decorate.

This picture is a little blurry but I have to post it. Precious memories.

After our day of shopping his little brother came over and we spent the evening together eating pizza, watching Polar Express and talking to Santa. That's right, we even got to talk to Santa on the cell phone. I have a girlfriend who is very willing to play Santa with her voice texts. It's hilarious and the giggles were so precious! I wrote to her telling her that Kaleb, who I can rarely get a hug out of anymore, sat next to me and cuddled and giggled most the evening. I take those moments and drink them in as if it would be my last. Because with a 6 year old who acts 16, he thinks he doesn't have to give hugs and kisses anymore. =(

Now on to the exciting news of my weight loss. I dropped 3.8 pounds this week! Hooray for me!! I am extremely excited about the progress. I have walked 30 minutes everyday except for one. I am almost to my monthly goal of losing ten pounds and I can't believe I am almost there. I will write more about my thoughts on my goals in a later post. For now, have a great Sunday, I'll talk to you soon.

Until next time .....♥

JUST BE ME

2009-12-11T15:05:00.011-05:00

Hello Everyone,

Today I just want to write whatever comes to mind. I've been thinking again. I was thinking about my blog. I really don't know why I'm concerned with it so much. But one of the things I seem to struggle with here while writing, is what to actually write. When I come here, I am always concerned with what others will think about what I write. I think I have pre-conditioned myself to write what I think other people may be interested in. After a good long look at my reasoning behind my concern, I came up with one good reason. And that is that "I want to be of interest and please my readers." Can you believe that? Yup, I can... that's exactly what type of person I am. I always seem to hold out, hold back, or fake it for the purpose of sparing other people...even sparing me. Almost like, what I got to say isn't really worth the time or the effort of others. I know I have lots of things to say. I know I have much to give. Yet, I don't really believe in myself enough to let myself just be me. I think it's fear of rejection. I figure if I can please other people, then I'd be pleasing myself as well. And truthfully, I'm not really pleasing anyone. Holding back and holding out, doesn't show anyone the real me. And when the real me is hidden, there is no substance. If there is no substance, whose going to be interested? Heck, even I'm not interested in what I have to say when I have to pull it from me! I'm a much better writer when I let go and just let my heart lead me.

From now on I vow to myself, and to you as my readers, to just write what comes to mind...what's in the heart and to just be me. A blog friend told me once, that this (my blog) is my voice, my outlet..."there are no shackles here, no constraints"...And every time I struggle with what to write, that is what I hear. I think it's high time I listen. So, Thank you! I will keep that in the forefront of my mind when I come here. How liberating...to just be ME.

*Please note, that what my blog consists of so far is in fact the real me. The purpose of this post is to let you all know the struggle I was facing when I come here to write.

So, I want ya all to meet my family. My grand-babies. The little critters that keep me hoppin'. They are, truthfully, the sweetest faces you will ever come across. Unless you have babies of your own, then of course, YOUR babies are the sweetest faces you will ever come across. But mine will be second, I promise you. And you will see how every inch of my heart is wrapped around the lives of these little ones. So, take a look see, and let me do a little bragging. This is Kaleb Ezra. He is 6 years old. Kaleb is my very first grandchild. I was only 40 yrs old when he came into this world and he has a hold of my heart like I never imagined anyone could.

This is Aidan Christopher. He is 3 years old. He's one of the happiest little boogers you will ever meet. Just look at that face! He wins my heart every-time I see him.

This is Emma Grace. She is 20 months old. She is our first granddaughter. She definitely marches to the beat of her own drum! (haha) Her crystal blue eyes and dramatic personality captured our hearts from day one.

Last but never, ever the least.....

This is Ava Leigh. She is 7 weeks old. This is our 2nd granddaughter. She's sweet in every way a newborn baby can be. She smiles already, (nope, it's not gas either) and you can't help but fall in love with her!

See what I mean? (I'm smiling ear to ear as I ask that). Can I be any more proud? Most likely, but my cup runneth over right now so that is very hard to imagine.

Thank you for dropping by. I'm looking forward to writing again.

Until next time....♥

I'M FRUSTRATED

2009-12-08T19:07:00.003-05:00

I've been gone for five days???!! Time sure does fly by doesn't it....

Well, much has been going on since my last post. One of my very good friends called me on Friday and told me her younger brother passed away. He was a twin to her other brother who also passed away a few years ago. It's been a sad few days for her. It is a sadness that will take a long while to get over....I can only pray she finds peace in the midst of her storm.

I re-entered full-time daycare again with ALL of my grandchildren. My daughter in law went back to work yesterday. It was my first day back watching a one month old, a twenty month old, and a three year old, plus a 6 year after school. I'm EXHAUSTED! And it has only been two days!!! I'm scared and nervous I can't do this. I'm literally ill over it. I love my grand kids and I want them to be safe. I think that's why I strive so hard to keep doing this even though I think my time may be up. I'm an over protector by nature...and I would just feel horrible if I stopped watching them and something bad were to happen to them.

So, I put myself on the back burner for their sakes.... Is it wrong? I don't know.

I can feel the stress rise within me before I even get to my sons house (which is where I watch them). And I haven't felt good since.... and again, it's only been two days!!

I've been walking everyday for thirty minutes. I get up at 5 - 5:30 and walk before I start my day. When I get home, I'm literally ready to fall onto my bed and go to sleep. So, I'm not sure if it's the walking or the stress or a combination of them both that makes me feel so exhausted.

I've noticed yesterday and today, the stress makes me want food. All day yesterday I fought the thought of eating everything and anything I could. I did ok...but I did have two cookies (from the cookie exchange party my daughter and I hosted on Saturday).

See how this could be disastrous to a food addict??

I was proud of myself on Saturday. I did good during the cookie exchange... My daughter and I shared bites of two cookies...that's it! But yesterday and today it was like fighting world war 3!! Today, I ate two more cookies and a stupid piece of peanut butter fudge. What the heck is wrong with me??? I'm frustrated even now thinking about it! I want to scream my foolish head off and I want to just verbally rip myself a new rear-end! Weigh-in is Saturday for god-sake...what am I thinking?

Stress management? What's that? I mean honestly. How can I decompress, or relax, or manage my stress when I feel like my whole body is being effected by it?

Perhaps I'm at a loss because I really don't know what to do. I'm sincerely at a loss right now. I'm so frustrated . I could stop watching my grand kids, but that won't even be a quick fix because I would have to wait and be sure my kids found alternative daycare. That could take weeks. But then, when they do, I have to carry the worry of them being hurt by someone...and guilt is ready to pounce on me like a hungry feline waiting for its dinner to pop out of the bush!

I really need to seriously take this all in and think about what my next turn will be on this journey....The road can't be straight lined, full view ahead now can it? Of course it can't and I realize this. So this is one of those times where I feel like I'm faltering on this journey. I just didn't think it would come so soon.

Thanks ya'll for listening to me vent...

Until next time...

Looking for brighter skies,

A POSITIVE, NOT A NEGATIVE

2009-12-03T22:07:00.007-05:00

Well, today was weigh in and I can tell you, I had an emotional merry-go-round of a ride this morning. I dropped 'only' 4 ounces. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. Only 4 ounces?? AHHHH! I kept hopping on and off the scale not believing what I was seeing. I went to bed last night saying to myself...just one pound..at least one pound...please body, give me that.

I know I shouldn't say only 4 ounces because it still is a loss, not a gain. I should be happy with that, right? I mean, I did have two Thanksgivings in one week. I really believed I didn't do badly...but something went haywire on me.
I think about the Biggest Loser. They have weeks were they don't lose either. I know our bodies are funky little machines...but it does get just a little discouraging when you really work hard and you see little results. I won't be a baby about this. In the past, after a week like this, I would just give up. I'm not giving up! I want this to work more now than I ever have in my life... and I will find a way to keep myself on this path toward a healthier body, mind and spirit.

So, 4 ounces people.... I will take it and run with it... and see it as a postive, not a negative.

Updates on my goals:

My second week goal was to start walking 30 minutes every day. Well, I walked 4 days out of the 7. I definitely need to find time to do it. My struggle is finding time. I've been getting up 30 minutes early every morning before work to walk. That seems to work for me. It's early (5:00 a.m.) but it is the time slot that works best for me. If I wait and try to make time for it during the day, it just does not happen.

My 4th week goal was to take my vitamins everyday and I must say, thanks to One A Day Gummies, I have been taking them EVERYDAY! lol Go Gummies!

Also, one last note. My weigh-ins are usually on Thursdays, however because I have to get up so early to work out and be out the door by 7.am., it does not give my body a proper cool down before weigh in ( I swell terribly after work out). So, I am changing my weigh-ins to Saturdays.

Until next time....♥

MOTHER

2009-11-30T19:26:00.014-05:00

Hello Everyone!

It certainly has been busy for me the last few days. I took my mother to the hospital today for an outpatient procedure. I didn't plan to take her until tomorrow, but she called me this mornin' saying she could eat a horse and am I ready. I said what do you mean you could eat a horse and am I ready? Ready for what? I had no clue what she meant. She nonchalantly responded, " your taking me to the hospital this morning." I couldn't believe what she was saying. I felt like I was caught in an episode of the twilight zone...my mind was racing with thoughts trying to recall our conversation at Thanksgiving when she asked me to set the day aside to take her. She specifically said, "Tuesday, December 1st."

I said, "Mom, you told me your appointment was on Tuesday December 1st!"

"Isn't today December 1st?", she replied.

I had to chuckle under my breath..."no, today is Monday, November 30th.", I said.

"Are you sure?", she asked me.

"Yes, I am sure," I laughed.

"Oh my goodness! What the heck am I thinkin! I fasted all day yesterday and took my medicine all day! What am I gonna do??", she cried.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

No wonder why she was starving! And then to find out she would have to starve again today if she didn't go today was not a good thing... she wasn't liking the unfolding of this story at all. I told her to call her doctor when the office opened and ask them what she should do, maybe they could squeeze her in.

An hour later, she calls. "Can you get me there by 10:15?"

With no shower, no make up, I rush out the door to get her to her appointment. What the heck was I thinkin'!! I should have known they would get her in..why in the world didn't I get myself ready when I had the chance?

I can't help but think in the back of my mind what this was all about...is my mom's age catching up to her or just a simple mistake? The peculiar thing about it is that my mother in no way seems old or aging to me. She is 65 years old. She is always on the go, always has a youthfulness about her. She is one of the strongest women I know in my life. She has been through so much in her lifetime, but she has always come through like a bright and shining star.

In that moment today, it was quite comical. I couldn't help but smile and chuckle at her innocence.

Her forgetfulness seems cute right now, but I can't help but wonder how I will feel a few years from now as her forgetfulness grows.

She's the cutest little woman I know! And as long as I am humanly able I will always be here for her.

I love her!

FINDING TIME FOR ME

2009-11-27T15:03:00.013-05:00

I just finished making banana bread. Oooo the smell of it, drives my senses crazy! I'm not making it for me. I am making it for my daughter~in~law. She handed me a bunch of over ripe bananas and asked if I would make her some. Of course I said yes.

After a very busy day yesterday, I wanted this morning to just be for me. THAT didnt happen. I tried..I really did try, but I got phone calls and phone texts from oh I think everyone and their brother it seemed. I had my morning all planned. I wanted to watch a movie I had dvr'd a week ago called 'Bonneville". About 3 women who go on a roadtrip and discover a journey of a lifetime. I wanted to listen to some classical music and do some reading and/or journaling. I wanted to see what my soul had to say to me today. But, because of the disruptions, it just didn't happen. So much for me time. Huh?

I know I gotta fit the time in for me... and I do sometimes but not as often as I would really like or as often as I really need. Seems like I am always doing something for someone. Or, I am letting others dictate my time. I am my own worse enemy, I think. Even now, I'm struggling to concentrate on me. The phone still rings, banana bread needs to come out of the oven, tv blaring with HGTV's Christmas Estravaganza episodes, a bed that still needs to be made, dishes in the sink that are screaming at me to be clean, and laundry still sitting in the dryer needing to be folded. And then, there is my ever increasing ache to spend time with myself. The day is slipping away fast and in front of me are lists and lists of things I need to do. It's a vicious cycle for me. I know what I need to do to get that time away just for me, it's doing it that's the problem.

I just picked up a book I have on my side table, one of 4 others that I call my "lifeline handguides" to my second journey. The book is called, "A weekend to change your life", by Joan Anderson. I flipped through a few pages just trying to connect with myself and I ended up landing on the page where Joan says this, "Decide on how to shape your day so that in the end you have some focus and control around it."

Ok, so I really needed that, didnt I? Seems that when I sit and just breathe and let my soul guide me, I am guided and handed little tidbits to help me along the way. I feel grateful.... I really do love my inner voice. It has been good to me through the years. It has never let me down when I have listened.

I really have to make and effort in shaping my day so that I can find the time to spend with myself. Because, she is spilling over inside and aching to get out.

I weighed in yesterday. I lost 4.8 pounds. I'm going to try and run a weekly weigh in log on the sidebar of my blog. I'll let ya know when I have it up and running.

Until next time...♥

HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY!

2009-11-25T20:58:00.007-05:00

It's been a very busy day today. I spent the day watching my Granddaughter Emma and also baking and preparing foods for tomorrows feast. I was a very good girl and didn't nibble on anything I knew I wasn't supposed to. I didn't even have a taste because I knew that tomorrow is my first weigh in and I don't want to mess this up. I will be on the 411 though as I go through the day tomorrow, facing foods that I know will stick to my hips like cement. I have it all planned out... load up on veggies....drink plenty of water and choose one dessert and have a small piece of it. :)

It's good to plan. It keeps me on my toes and helps me stay on track. I can fool myself very easily and nibble and snack throughout the day and then say, "Gee, I haven't really had that much to eat today." God! What a big fat lie! So, I will plan my day out and pay attention to what I'm doing. Besides, being with family should be fulfilling enough. It's not always, sadly, but I will be looking at tomorrow through a new set of eyes and a new goal in my heart. I'm excited.

Oh, and I bought my new vitamins. Don't laugh....They are 'GUMMIES". (Yes! They are adult vitamins!) I don't like taking pills...I mean, have you seen the size of those One A Day's? That's choke city for me! I had my first one this morning even though my actual time I want to incorporate them into my new lifestyle regimn isn't until week four. Hey, I had to try them at least. I must say, they aren't bad. So this might make it easier for me to take my vitamins. Now if they could come out with "Gummie Vitamin D, Gummie Fish Oil, and Gummie Primrose," I'd really be doing good!

I'll let ya all know my result hopefully sometime tomorrow. But if by chance I don't make it here to post tomorrow, I will post first thing Friday.

Have a blessed and Happy Thanksgiving!

OH WHAT A DAY!

2009-11-23T20:02:00.011-05:00

Well, I broke down and finally got the H1N1 vaccine today. I was a nervous wreck. It's been about two hours since I recieved the vaccine. They say that's the 'safe' time for any reaction that might occur. You have to wait 15 minutes before they will let you leave in case you have an immediate reaction. I can tell you right now, I sat there frozen to my seat waiting for the inevitably 'bad thing' to happen to me. My heart beating like a jack rabbit, feeling all flush and shakey, I did everything possible to not have a full blown anxiety attack! Heck, I couldn't tell if I was having a REAL reaction by my behavior!

Why do I do this to myself? So much fear. I hate it.

Now it has been 2 1/2 hours since I had the shot. So, I'm guessing the only thing I have to face now is maybe a sore stiff arm. Let's hope thats the case. And if you know of any potential reactions that could happen later in the days or weeks to come...please DO NOT TELL ME! I want to have a good Thanksgiving, not one wrung with worry. (haha)

So, I was a busy bee today. I did a lot of "Fall Cleaning" today. I did everything from rearranging furniture (which by the way I am regretting right now, ow my back!) to changing curtains, to vaccuming out all the little tiny cracks and crevices. I moved an old ceramic corner piece I had in my dining room and a huge daddy long leg flips out on me, crawling like a mad man off onto me!! AHH... I hate spiders! Needless to say, anything else I moved I made sure I was armed with something to spray it with and my slippers in case I needed to step on it. I certainly am not going to step on it with my bare feet! It felt good though to just be active. I sat down for lunch with my grandaughter Emma and didnt sit again until just now and its about 7:30 p.m. in my world. I'll be sore tomorrow I bet...but it will be a good sore.

I set a 30 day goal this month. I have several actually. But I also set weekly goals inside my main monthly goal. They are as follows:

Main 30 Day Goal

1. To lose 10 pounds

Week One Goal (in which I am already into)

2. To keep calorie intake at no more than 1800 calories a day

Week Two

3. To start walking 30 minutes everyday.

Week Three

4. To start drinking at least 8 glasses of water a day.

Week Four

5. To start taking my daily vitamins. (I hate taking pills!)

I think its a good idea to incorporate small changes a little at a time. Otherwise, trying to do everything all at once becomes overwhelming and hard to keep up on. Incorporating the changes as the month goes on will help me get used to the transition of change. And, as we all know, my change is striving for a healthier lifestyle.

A LITTLE BIT OF HISTORY

2009-11-21T20:19:00.006-05:00

"Second Journeys begin with a hunch,

an inkling, a desire to reverse a bad situation".

~ Joan Anderson

A Weekend To Change Your Life

Well, seems like I've been having obstacle after obstacle trying to get in my way since I've determined my path for this blog. Today I logged on to find that my whole page had been altered and covered with some sort of graffiti. I am assuming it had to do with the template because I tried to redue the template but it didn't work and when I used a different template, it seemed to be fine. So after a long while of trying to remedy the situation, I had to give up my new page template...with much sadness too because it was pretty!

So now I'm back to the 'black and white" of things. I guess it's not so bad. But I love design and I worked very hard at building my new site to match my new path in blog world. It's ok though. I think I see a comparison to what's actually going on in my life right now with my Second Journey and my 'black and white' situation. Perhaps there is no room for gray...no room for the fluff. It's important for me to focus on the truth of who I am right now and who I am meant to become in the future.

I want to add some before and after pictures of myself back in 2007 when I went on the Atkins Diet. I did very well on that program. However, looking back I see why I gained most of what I lost back over the last two years. I never looked deep enough to fix the inside of me. It's easy to lose weight. It's keeping it off that is the great challenge.

This is me in August of 2006. I weighed 298 pounds here. I think I was the sadest person on earth at this point. That smile that day was for my son who just graduated from nursing school. But deep inside that girl was fighting a losing battle inside her soul and so six months later, March of 2007, at the same weight, I started the Atkins Diet.

Here I am again in the same clothes in May of that same year weighing 30 pounds less. So in two months time, I considered myself very successful. I thought I was on the road to 'skinnyville'. And I was. But what I didn't realize at that time was the fact that I was riding on a ktemporary high of sorts. I was still sad. I still didn't discover why I ended up weighing almost 300 pounds. And now looking back..I really believe knowing why is the key to successful weight loss...or weight control.

This is me in August of 2007...

fifty-six pounds lighter. In six months I was able to drop 56 pounds. That's no small feat. I do have to give myself credit for the effort. It wasn't easy getting the weight off. It wasn't easy making the choice to better my health but I made myself walk 2-4 miles a day on this weightloss adventure. And I did good. I have to applaud myself...and I wish I would have been able to stick with it because I was well on my way to 'skinnyville'. (haha) I shouldn't joke but really, I am looking at my path now vs. my path then and I see why, in all the years I have struggled to lose weight, I couldn't keep it off.

I believe I now hold a vital key to my success...and for that I am so grateful. How'd I find that key?... Lots and lots of self seeking...lots of quiet moments...lots of time looking on the inside of me.

I just can't wait to show you...and myself...the results!

Stay tuned for my goals... I'll be listing those soon.
Until next time.....♥

MY NEW FOUND JOURNEY OF SELF DISCOVERY

2009-11-20T13:46:00.012-05:00

Hello everyone.... I've been away for a little while gathering thoughts about my new blog. As you can see I have changed it a bit. I'm still trying to get used to the new page but I "think" I like it. I've also been visiting other blogs as well and love the incentive they bring to me.

I've been telling you that I have lots to say and many more things to add to my blog and I do. I have finally decided to use this blog as a venue for my weight loss and health endeavors. I am in serious need of getting some weight off and becoming healthy once again.

I have stuggled with gaining and losing ever since I had my first child 27 years ago. I've had successful times, believe it or not I have, but they were always very short lived. I have probably lost and gained more weight through the years than I actually need to lose right now. (And I need to lose 130 pounds) Isn't that how the story goes? Dieting is NOT easy. It never is when you feel like your being forced into a new way of living.

I have found that I just need to make a lifestyle change and with that lifestyle change, I can change my health, my appearance, and my outlook on life. I know it's not going to be easy so I have set myself up with a few friends who I know can keep me accountable. I have invited them to watch my blog and be of some inspiration to me and to help keep me accountable to myself. It is so easy to forget what brought me here. Life just seems to trickle in subtly and before you know it, I'm givin' up and saying it's just too hard.

I would also like to invite any of you bloggers to veiw my blog on a consistant basis and tell me what you think. I want to win at this lifestyle change. I want to learn to handle life and it's circumstances in a healthy way...not one that might end up killing me in the long run. "I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER", and this has to stop!

God, that is such a hard thing to admit to. Especially publically.... But, I have to face it, see it for what it is and begin to walk away from that way of living. I am ready.

I am SO READY!

So to you, Bille and Amy.... I hope that you will take me at my word and be here for me, for the good and the bad. It's not at all easy admitting your faults when you spend a good portion of your life trying to hide them. I thought this over extremely well, and my conclusion is that I know I need women like you to help me get through those deep dark places that try to trip me up. I need women like you to help me see that there IS light at the end of the tunnel... I think of you both with high, high esteem.

And to you, my blog readers...and those of you who may join me in the future... Thank you. As much as we might not like to admit it, we truly do need eachother to help make a difference. I truly hope we can be of encouragement to eachother.

This is me when I was 16 years old.

I weighed 125 pounds here.

This is me now at the age of 46.

I now weigh 292 pounds.

My fingers are trembling at the thought of showing the world what I look like. There is nothing to hide in this photograph of me. What you see is, in truth, what you get. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not meant to be this unhealthy and I am more than ready to take this journey of self discovery. Please look forward with me on the future of this blog and my journey here. There will be more pictures to come...even video! How fun is that?

Until next time....♥

ROAD BLOCK

2009-11-11T14:19:00.006-05:00

Well wouldnt you know it.... the minute I decide to start off putting one foot in front of the other, and choose a path away from those dreadful crossroads, I'd come across my first road block. I developed a blood clot in my leg. Scared me for a little while. I went to the hospital and found out I wasn't dying. But knowing I had just started out on a new found journey and coming across this road block was very discouraging.

I've had to do lots of resting and taking medications. I'm doing better now and the doctor told me to make sure I keep active. At first I thought for sure this was gonna do me in and I'd be back sittin at those damned crossroads again. Almost like I was destined to be chained there. But once I got all the facts about what was going on with my leg and my health, I took those doctors orders and have been running full speed ahead. You wanna talk about active? I don't think I sit much at all anymore...at least not for the last 6 days or since I got the doc's orders...and was I ever relieved. So I've been walking more and if I find I need to sit...to eat or whatever, I make sure I don't sit long. At nite when I settle in to watch alittle t.v. or read, I make sure I sit with my leg up.

I should have known my own health would catapolt me into some new found direction with more liberty than I had in the beginning. I've had lots of second chances, but my fear always keeps me chained to the doom and gloom of my circumstances. It never lets me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I've stayed chained to those crossroads all these years. Fear is a major road block on this journey I know I will have to conquer! And I must say, I am pretty proud to have won this little battle and looking forward to moving on to the next.

I'd like to say thank you to my readers, whoever you may be, for sticking with me on this journey. I have so much more to tell. I hope you'll wait for it.
Until next time....♥

AND THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE!

2009-10-30T15:21:00.009-04:00

I have discovered, you do not need to know what

you are looking for ~ only that you are looking

for something, and need urgently to find it.

It is the urgency that does the work, a readiness

to recieve that finds the answers.

~ Janine Pommy Vega

I've been told many times, through many ways, that honesty will get you everywhere, that the truth will set you free... And as you may already know, I have been painstakingly trying to figure out what my Second Journey is going be. I contemplated over and over on how much of myself I should reveal here in blog world. I never know what to expect in the world of the internet and so I find myself to be very cautious at times. And rightfully so, I suppose. But after having a thoughtful soul searching month, especially around the anniversary of my fathers death, I asked myself a lot of questions. Questions like, Why are you so afraid of everything? Why can't you lose weight? Why can't you be the person you see inside your soul? Why do you hide and shy away from people? Why are you afraid to die? Why are you afraid to live?

"Afraid to live?? Thats a loaded question," I say.

"Yes, it is. But you must answer it," a wee small voice breaks in.

I suppose I never looked at it that way. After my dad died my fear of death grew stronger and I became very closed off. I didn't even want to go away anywhere. For 4 years, all vacations stopped... Any long distance traveling was out of the question. I even jumped everytime the phone rang. I didn't know how to act in the real world of people anymore. I stayed home all the time. I didn't know how to react anymore to the good or the bad.

When I was fifteen I saw my grandmother take her last breath after suffering a heart attack. There was no-one there to help her at first. My sister and I stood in the doorway as my aunt was holding her. After what seemed like forever, the ambulance came and scooted my sister and I out of the door way. The last thing I saw was her trying to catch her last breath. From then on something changed in me. And I knew an aweful life altering fear made residence within my soul.

So, I knew I was afraid to die.... but afraid to live?

It's only now that I am older and sitting at a crossroads, that I see how the fear of death has also chosen to take hold of my life while I yet live. It has paralyzed me in everyway possible. It has caged me up and held my hopes and dreams captive.

Now is the time to leave this set of crossroads behind.....pick myself up...slap the dust off my britches...hold tight my locked box of truths, and set forth on my Second Journey....one step at a time.

BITTERSWEET OCTOBER

2009-10-18T11:25:00.006-04:00

Bittersweet October

Rushing in....

Overwhelmed by your beauty

Striken by your pain

This is a rough and rocky month for me. Emotions are everywhere. Five years ago my father decided to take his own life. And the month of October is when I feel the pain of it the most. He died October 20th, 2004, three days before his birthday. We never saw it coming. One minute the world is as it should be and the next it is torn apart. My father was a very strong, caring, meek mannered man. He was the mediator in the family and he always saw the good in any negative situation. Every October, I dream of him, I think on him, I can't escape that terrible day. No matter how hard I try, my subconscious won't let me forget. It replays every moment leading up to his death, every moment during, and after. My thoughts overwhelm me...there are so many questions. He left no note, no inclination that he would go away or why. Five years later, I feel like that little girl who hides beneath the sheets as she watches the dreadful storm outside her window.

I want to be angry at him but my heart won't let me.

I only wish I knew why.

THINKING

2009-10-14T19:46:00.005-04:00

I've been thinking.

A lot.

Some people say women are natural born 'thinkers'. This must be true because people have said to me that I am a thinker. In all honestly, most of those people have said that I just plain think too much. Well, I AM woman. And I DO think a lot. So If I am woman and women are natural born thinkers, how in the world can I NOT think too much?

This is a question to myself that I will ponder and ponder over. Which in essence is 'thinking'.

Looks as though I can't win in this situation. But do I really need to?

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I actually love to think. I love to wonder about things. Things like, Is there really a God, Can people really stay younger just by taking care of their bodies, and is there really a thing called unconditional love. These thoughts are just the tip of the deep side of Debi.

I've also had people tell me I'm too deep. "OH GREAT", would be my response. First I think too much and now I'm TOO DEEP?

Well, I can't be angry over this. I can't be because it is my philosophy that thinking deeply is how I can stay in touch with myself and the things around me. If I were to just skim on top of the water all the time, I would never know the treasures of the deep. It's by going down into the deep that I can discover the truths. That's where the treasures are.♥

Pencils Are Like People.... (funny but true)

2009-10-11T15:35:00.005-04:00

I love pencils. Especially new ones.

Tall and Thin between my fingers.

I never have to wonder if Im going to like how it writes.

It stands faithful and is always the same.

I love the designs some pencils have.

They are fun.

This one says, "D.A.R.E. to resist Drugs and Violence"

Not so fun this time

But a message all the same.

The fresh new eraser at the top reminds me that mistakes are erasable.

The lead point reminds me that no matter how often it is used,

it can always be sharpened.

STOP THE INSANITY

2009-10-07T13:15:00.010-04:00

Anybody up for an ice cream sandwich? I know I am! When I'm stressed, that's exactly what I go for. In fact I'm eating it while I'm typing. Sad but true. It's sad because I know I'm not supposed to have it. I'm trying to lose weight and shoving 200 calories down my throat in 3 easy shots is not helping the matter. Why am I stressed? (I'm chuckling to myself) I really don't know. Maybe perhaps because I can't seem to get my act together. I watch my 3 grandchildren during the day. Right now is nap time for them. Everyone is all tucked away in dreamland for at least another hour. I sit here at the computer admiring my new blog, yet frustrated because it takes so long to learn how it works. Then the longer I sit here looking things over the more frustrated I become because I second guess what I really want this blog to be about. I really want followers too. Yet I know I have to have something interesting to say. I think I'm driving myself mad with this when blogging should be fun and interesting and enlightening..and helpful in some way to others. So, with all this said, I will just type and post and see what happens... and not get so caught up in the expectation I have. STOP THE INSANITY!! I keep telling myself that over and over again. I hear this inner voice saying "Stop the insanity and trust what your heart is telling you!" Can't you wait to see what develops over the days and months? I know I can't. In the meantime...I'll put a halt on the ice cream sandwiches! ;)

BEGINNING

2009-10-06T18:20:00.006-04:00

ADVICE TO BEGINNERS by Ellen Kort

Begin. Keep on beginning. Nibble on everything.

Take a hike. Teach yourself to whistle. Lie.

The older you get the more they'll want your stories.

Make them up. Talk to stones. Shore-out electric fences. Swim with the sea turtle into the moon.

Learn how to die. Eat moonshine pie.

Drink wild geranium tea. Run naked in the rain.

Everything that happens will happen

and none of us will be safe from it.

Pull up anchors. Sit close to the God of night.

Lie still in a stream and breathe water.

Climb to the top of the highest tree until you come

to the branch where the blue heron sleeps.

Eat poems for breakfast. Wear them on your forehead.

Lick the mountains bare shoulder.

Measure the color of days around your mother's death.

Put your hands over your face

and listen to what they tell you.

....I was just thinking, isn't that what I am doing? Beginning...taking that first step into the unknown territory of my second journey? Life so far has drained me. I've been so much to so many people. Mother, wife, daughter, chef, homemaker, mender, mediator, comfortor and grandmother...spending a good portion of my life trying to perfect those roles all the while slowly forgetting about myself.

For me, this second journey is a step away from those crossroads, a beginning...a walk toward something new with hopeful anticipation in what will be waiting ahead for me. Even now I think to myself, "this isn't going to be easy especially considering how hectic my life is still"... but I WANT to begin again. I WANT to walk away from the mundane. I WANT to discover who I am. I WANT to live the second part of my life just a little more selfishly for me.

I want to rediscover who I am, what I like, what I don't like. I want to be in touch with my heart and soul and listen...really listen to what they have to say. And as I listen... I will let them be my hand guide....

Sometime I Just Feel So Dumb....

2009-10-05T14:13:00.004-04:00

This is my very first post and my very first blog to be absolutely truthful. I spent yesterday and today creating the blog, looking things over and just trying to learn the ins and outs of how it works. I love looking at other peoples blogs too, and I think I spent a lot of time just doing that. But it gets my creative juices flowing and it helps me learn more easily. I tried posting a picture from Photobucket but the HTML code apparently wasn't working. I spent a good half hour just trying to figure THAT out. Then I move to veiwing other post and gawk in awe at how some of them are so appealing. Then I wonder, how in the world am I going to do this...and furthermore can I create a blog that people will be interested in reading. Honestly, The reality of all this is that I really do believe that I have 46 years of good stuff stored in this head and heart of mine that I know would interest others. Maybe even help them while I help myself.....I can't wait to see where this takes me. :)